That doesn’t mean I didn’t love her before. I believe that all children love their mothers, but all mothers don’t necessarily love their children. My mother was a loving woman, but my sadness is that she loved her husbands more than she loved her children. In spite of that I always loved her. Every day of my life.
Mother had a difficult time living with bipolar disorder in a time when the only treatment was hospitalization and useless counseling, and the medications for it were toxic. It wasn’t until the last decade of her life that everything came together for her, and she was able to live well and with some peace.
On the evening before she died her husband called to say she had not awakened that morning but she was still breathing. Her doctor told us two or three years ago that she would not suffer with renal failure and that she would gradually lose energy, slip into a coma and die quietly. Evidently that’s exactly what happened.
We had several years to prepare, but it was still a hard blow when I got the phone call that evening. When I hung up the phone I couldn’t catch my breath and felt like an anxiety attack was coming on. I was planning to go visit her two days later but that changed into writing her obituary and making plans for the 350 mile trip for the funeral.
When I went to bed that night, knowing she would be gone in the morning, I slept well and fully expected her spirit to visit me during the night. And that’s what happened. I dreamed she and I were reunited after a long separation at a large convention of sorts. We were smiling, laughing and hugging with such joy as we’d never had in “real” life. We were genuinely ecstatic at seeing each other again.
I woke up and told my husband, “I had the best dream EVER! I’m so happy!”
I have never felt that kind of pure joy in my entire life. It only lasted a couple of minutes, but I hope I never forget how I felt in that moment.
I have often been judged and criticized for not being a loving and supportive daughter, but what most of those people don’t know is that during the last year of her life, Mother and I were very close. We laughed, joked, worried about my brother and really enjoyed each other’s company.
I’m so fortunate to have had that much healing at just the right time in my life. Now I know that she passed into her eternal life with the ultimate healing of peace, love and ecstasy.
Every time we spoke in those last months I told her, “I love you, Mother.”
And I meant it.