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An Unguarded Blogpost

I don't know if it's my Scorpio nature or a lesson I learned the hard way, but I'm careful what I say about myself in the social media world. I'm even planning a business-oriented blogpost called "Controlling Your Message."

Today, I'm just going to put out there what's been rattling around in my head more and more often these days: I am 57 years old and not happy about it. I worry more about death than I used to. I'm pissed that I've been struggling with new blood pressure medication for over two weeks. I'm tired of carrying around extra weight and hating it. Except for a few years in the eighties when I worked for Weight Watchers, I've hated my weight since I was six years old (way too young but learned it from Mother).

So there, I said it. Out loud.

No, I don't feel any better.

I know my obsession with death comes from having lost five loved ones in the last 18 months. It's been in my face, death that is, for the first time in my life. I wake up in the middle of the night fretting about which family member or friend will be the next to go. I even have a list. (just tellin' the truth here) Then I remember life rarely unfolds the way you think it will which means it might be someone unexpected. Does that mean someone going "out of turn" as they say? Oh, dear Lord, I have children and grandchildren. God help me.

As for my weight, that's a tired issue, and I really don't feel like talking about it...again. I did that from 1982 to 1989 when I led seven Weight Watcher meetings a week. I told my story to hundreds of people, and it probably did me more harm than good.

I know I'll feel better when my doctor and I get the bp meds straightened out, but I'm just plain tired of the struggle.

I know many of you are, too. Tired of the struggle, whatever it may be for you..

And that brings me to one of my favorite quotes. It's been attributed to many people, but the message is what's important:

"Be kinder than necessary,
for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."

I reckon that means I should be kind to myself first. Hmm...I'll think about it.


Tealwater said…
I know the struggle(s) all too well! When all the negative feelings and thoughts come your way remember how blessed you are that you have God given talent to do something you love. Remember that you have beautiful children and grandchildren and hug them tighter the next time you see them. Remember that in the end what your scale says makes no real are beautiful!!

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